LETTER TO ELIZABETH

28 July 2003

Dear Elizabeth,

No, it didn’t upset me at all to get your letter. How could it? You are evidently a caring and intelligent young lady, with a passion to learn all there is to learn; feel all there is to feel; in one so young this is wonderful. We live on a small planet that in eight billion years will, with our entire galaxy, crash into the Andromeda galaxy. So never fear endings they are inevitable, it is beginnings you have to approach with caution.

I will try and answer your questions in a logical manner but you have to understand that this tired old brain, at times, finds it difficult to properly explain personal feelings and motives.

Yes, Anna Minet was a real person although that was not her real name, just one we used for the book. No, she never went into action with the Ducks we always shielded her against that side of our work. I guess that this was, in part, because she was a female but it was more than that. Needless to say we all loved her in our own way but even here that isn’t the entire reason. The closest I can get is to say that she was only one of us who was irreplaceable. If anything had happened to her ‘on the job’ it would have destroyed the Ducks more surely than bullets ever could.
Although not mentioned, Red actually did become a fine ships officer. She could handle ships of all sizes and would have had no problems in passing her Master Mariner exams, she was a natural.
Yes Red was a double for one of the women in ABBA (I read that you are an ABBA fan). However, I didn’t give it any thought at the time as, I didn’t see the group perform, although, naturally I heard their music, it was everywhere. It is only in the last year that I sat down and watched one of their DVDs. It was a severe shock as even I had trouble telling them apart. Seeing the way this woman looks in the present gives me a very good idea as to how Red would now look and I am not disappointed.

No, I never had a favorite Duck, we were one. Closer than any group I have since encountered. Perhaps it was because we were different and kept hidden away but we were more than friends we were family and friends. This gave us the power to live and work together the way old friends do but with something even deeper added. In fact I think we were the closest family on the planet. You are quite right each death did diminish us; something was ripped away with every departure, but this only brought the rest of us closer together, for better or for worse.

Is romance and adventure dead, ‘tricky’? I believe it is alive as much today as it ever was, it’s just got lost in the modern requirement for ‘hive’ living and regimentation. If you really want it, you will find it, or it will find you. But this is the important item; be very sure of what you want and at 16, perhaps, you should, for a while, keep your options open.

Every life has a central core, a time that, once over, will never be repeated. It will be your segment in time, the one you look back on and say, ‘That was my time; that was when I was alive. It may last five years, ten years or even twenty five years, perhaps it will only last for one night, the time is irrelevant. It will belong to you alone and for the rest of your life you will nurture the memory, at times with laughter and at times with tears: both are equally valuable in making you all that you will become. This special time is not recalled simply through a memory, there is an ache, a feeling in the heart and that accompanies it and makes you gasp for breath, this is what makes it so very unique and personal.
I was one of the lucky ones; my segment in time is not really about an event or even events, it combines, friendship, adversity and loss but more importantly it is embraced by laughter, music, colour and strongest of all, love, never underestimate love.

Throughout life you will find that, at times, you start to feel as if your body and mind are being assailed like some ancient fortress. Life is a constant attack of emotions that pound on your castle door. They assault your body until it feels tired beyond ultimate age and more damaged than a clipper on the rocks. This is when you have to take the centre 'core' that is you and bury it so deep inside that no invading force can ever conquer it. However, that core should still be the engine that drives your life, don't bury it so deep that it becomes lost. Provided that life can only attack your outer walls, you will be safe.

No, being ugly never bothered me and because of this others couldn’t use it as a weapon to hurt. In fact I got quite a few chuckles from it. It was priceless when meeting people for the first time, seeing the way they all tried to pretend not to notice. In reality my face when viewed from one side or the other, didn’t look too bad, it was only when seen from the front that it looked odd. In every person the two sides of the face are slightly different, with me they were just that little bit more so. I have been told that it made me look ‘out of focus’. Red used to call me her ‘gargoyle’ so you see it isn’t what people say but how they say it; the harshest word said with love can become an endearment.
I have been told that the years have changed the way I look (Sylvia calls it plastic surgery by continuous blows to the head) and can no longer be considered really ugly. I suppose this should make me happy but I am not sure, something has been taken away, something that was me.

You say that people in the book said I got sadder with the years. It’s hard to comment on this as I have never read it. I know the parts that I wrote but have never seen the completed work. It would have been impossible not to be affected by my life with the Ducks. This was no nine to five job with dinner and home at the end of each day but I am not complaining, I chose it and must live with the result. One thing that does make me rather angry is the way that people today don’t want to be responsible for their lives. They always seems to be able to pass the blame onto another person or circumstance, this is why they fail. Yes I am sad but this shouldn’t be confused with being unhappy, they are two entirely different things. So, sad yes, unhappy no, I have lived a wonderful life, strange but wonderful and I wouldn’t swap it for any other. Given the chance there are many things I would like to go back and change so that events had a different conclusion but one of the harshest truths to accept is the futility of saying ‘If only’ it serves no purpose and only leads to the negativity of despair.

The hardest part I have left till almost last as I am not sure how to comment on it, or indeed if it is appropriate for me to do so. In this day and age it is so very easy to get into trouble about these issues. For what it is worth, here goes but you must understand these are just my thoughts I don’t want them treated as a guide.
You say that you admire Red because she was bisexual and you think that you may also be that way inclined. Perhaps you are, perhaps you aren’t, at 16 you may just be going through what is not an uncommon phase in teenage girls. In any event what does it matter? You have one shot at life; if you are ‘different’ enjoy the difference. Apart from Red one of the other Ducks was bisexual; it didn’t matter in the slightest. The man was one of the Duck family, he lived worked and eventually died with us. He was my friend and his sexual preferences never crossed my mind. What I saw was a man of honor, with a love of life, huge sense of duty to friends and brave heart. A man I was proud to have at my side in times of trouble and times of peace. Why should a slight chemical or hormone difference in your body have any effect on who you are. Provided you don’t hurt any innocent people, how you live your life is of no concern to anybody. Don’t let a sense of shame or guilt ruin these wonderful young years for you; you will never have them again.
The phase may pass and if not who cares, certainly not anybody that is a true friend and the others you can tell to go to hell. Just take things easy for a while and see what develops.

No, I never give talks about the Ducks. There have been many requests but it won’t happen. The problem is that people would be expecting to see some movie hero type who will enthrall them with tales of mighty deeds and that just isn’t me. I think they would be disappointed when a grey haired old coot turned up and told them that the Ducks were nothing more than a bunch of very ordinary guys, just doing a job. No heroes, we were all rather scared most of the time. No mighty deeds, what we did probably made very little difference in the big picture of life. Nothing ‘larger than life’ just people.

Am I still searching for Red? In a way yes and in another way no (sorry to be obtuse). Mine is the sort of life that needs to have some purpose, resting doesn’t seem to be in the script, nor should it be in yours. While I am alive I want to keep seeing and touching new things, hearing new music, meeting new people. My quest for Red allows me to do this.
So, you want to know what we would say to each other if we ever met again, very tricky.
I think I would say something very ordinary like “Hello beautiful one, want to dance”? And she would probably say something like “Your late, where the dickens have you been”? The wonder would come after the first words.

Well that’s about it. Soon I am going on a little trip and am not sure how long I will be away. If you ever need somebody to talk to just email me. I don’t know when I will be able to answer but half the relief is in talking to somebody; often the answer is very unimportant. Remember, you are unique. On all planets in the vast cosmos there is only one Elizabeth. Be all you want to be. Don’t let anybody tell you that there are fences because there aren’t; just hurdles and these can be jumped.

Your Friend

Harry.

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